Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline Dialling Instructions:
If you are obsessive-compulsive,
please press 1…repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities,
please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are a paranoid-delusional,
there is no need to press anything. We already know who you are
and what you want.
If you are schizophrenic,
listen very carefully and a little voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are manic-depressive,
it dosen’t matter what number you press. No one will answer you.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate,
please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of
your head is alive and about to bite off you ear!